story time – Our Immortal Souls

I woke up today with this thought in my head. After my boy and I broke up for the very first time, I decided to talk with my ex boyfriend and, in tears, I asked him to marry me. I knew he loved me still and I was in so much pain that I could only think in ending the suffering by getting married with someone I didn’t love but loved me and could give me what I needed. Of course he said no. And he refused just because he said that he was sure I would leave him as soon as my boy came back into my life. He didn’t want to divorce me just so I could be happy with my boy…

I was broken. I was trying to get married to forget about the boy I loved with all my heart. I hooked up with another person, twice. It was someone I had known for almost 10 years. It all went wrong. I thought it was going to be easier to go back to someone I who knew the old me, someone I could be fake and secretive around because it was comfortable. I knew I could lie to them or just wear all my masks and build my walls back up because they couldn’t see right through me.

And I see myself, right now, three years later, trying to do the same. I keep blaming my boy for being fake, for allowing himself to be hiding and not being honest. I had this thought of really wanting to ask my best friend to introduce me to someone just so I could finally forget about my boy. And that’s wrong. I don’t want to hurt someone else just because I’m sad. I don’t want to play games and I don’t want to hurt myself.

Yesterday I was thinking about reactivating my Instagram account and the thought of seeing him there makes me anxious because I want to talk to him… It scares me to go back and him unfollowing me or blocking me. It makes me feel like I’m gonna lose him forever, even though I know deep inside that just a lie.

We are just mirroring each other. That’s the truth. I can’t ask him to be honest and finally step up into who he really is without fear when I’m just doing the same. When I want to hide who I am because I’m hurt. When I can’t even be true to my word and I keep doing one thing but saying another.

I see how people have relationships just for the sake of not being alone or just having sex… We just want a temporary bandaid for our wounds. We would rather run away from ourselves, from the ones we love instead of just fighting and believing in love, in miracles, in magic…

Today I want to be very honest.

I’ve been aware of my journey for almost three years. I needed to make sense of what was going on in my life, why a break up was giving me such a hard time, why I kept crying even after months of being apart, why I kept having dreams about him, why I was unable to move on and I was actually seeing his name everywhere, why I saw him in every guy I tried to date, why my feelings for him weren’t fading away even though I was trying everything I did to get over other guys… I just needed an answer as to why my love for this guy was growing as days passed by. So I used the “lists” to try and make sense to what I was going through. I found myself ticking off almost every single one of what the things stated there. And as I was doing so, I felt terrified. I didn’t want this boy to be my twin soul. I just refused to believe so. I didn’t feel ready, I was scared. I cried countless nights, I was in denial. Then I remembered how I tried to fit the other guys into that “box”.

It took me a very long time to finally realise that he was the love of my life and the label didn’t matter because what I felt, and still feel, for him is bigger than anything I’ve ever felt before. Of course I started reading articles, I tried to see if any other person had the same story or at least said something I could relate to. My DNOS was intense and very long. I cried every day, I felt like I was going to die… But I found comfort in a couple of people I met here, on this platform. My best friend and I stopped talking for six months. It was horrible.

Every time I read about twins not getting back together in the physical, something just didn’t feel right. It didn’t make sense. I read about people who had dreams about their twins prior to meeting them but I honestly had no memories of me dreaming about him, yet I did notice how many boys like him I had met since 2007. I can say that every single boy I met for the next seven years led me to him.

The more I read and actually experienced certain things about this journey, the more I felt scared and I kept trying to just ask God for a normal relationship, just for a boyfriend that I could be happy with. Just something normal. Whenever I saw people asking, begging to find their twins, I would feel sad and would ask myself why would someone be this passionate about finding their twin? I mean, yes, we all want to find our perfect match at some point, we all wish to find that person who’s meant for us. But if I had known it was such a hard journey, I don’t think I would’ve been so eager to find mine. Like I said before, I didn’t feel ready. I was loving myself, accepting myself to the fullest and thats when we met, but I wasn’t actually looking for him. My plan was actually to stay single for a good amount of time is possible.

Anyway, this happened and in the end I accepted this boy was just my other half. I saw myself growing and becoming more aware of everything. I could actually sense him when he was in pain or having a hard time, I could even feel my best friend. I was starting to know when the energy I was feeling was mine or theirs. And my dreams became just more vivid as time went by. I can say that’s my gift. I have dreams. Vivid dreams. I see him and feel him. I see and feel other people and I’m usually right when I had dreams about them doing certain things. I had the strangest synchronicities and I knew, deep inside, they were leading me back to him and of course, leading me back to my true self.

I have never used energetic tools, never did tarot readings or pendulum readings or tried to go back to past lives or anything, hell I never even did chakra clearings or used stones. Nothing. I was relying on my intuition, my faith and the things I could sense or see in my dreams. Of course I had the help of a fellow twin who actually guided me a lot and always listened to what I had to say with patience. Still does.

But then I had my approach to other blogs and other content that claimed to be helpful and could make reunion happen faster while stating physical Union was not the goal. I saw a lot of people offering meditations, courses, readings, healing audios, etc., at insane prices. You see, I’m not against charging for your services, at all. But I think you have to be very reasonable with the prices. When people is desperate, like I was (and still am at times), they would pay a fortune to get something that will bring them closer to being with the people they love. At times I’ve been very tempted to buy certain products but I end up not doing it for one reason or another.

There’s nothing in this world I want most than to be okay, to love myself, to heal and, of course, to be with the love of my life. I know union with them in the physical is not the goal. The romantic relationship is not the goal, but it helps. If we see more and more twins coming together physically, things will change. I don’t think the universe is cruel and I don’t think it will let you have a taste of the most amazing love in this world only to take it away from you.

I don’t like using the term twin souls or flames. I’ve never liked to use labels because they make me feel caged. Also, I don’t know how many “true” twins are really out there. I knew of at least one claiming to have met their twin and six months later, this person was over their twin. But we shouldn’t judge anyone. We shouldn’t point fingers and decide wether someone’s experience is true or not. In the end, you will feel it deep inside. We are all humans, we are all trying to make sense to what we are experiencing. It is not easy and we all have our ups and downs and we should help each other not bash each other. It is not an easy journey, it’s hard… For me at least. I have no idea how to heal my fears, how to get rid of my blocks. Right now I’m at a very rough moment in my journey. My boy and I are not speaking, at all. I’ve seen him twice in my dreams since he left and none of those times he was friendly… Yet, I knew it wasn’t him, I knew it was my subconscious.

I guess, what I’m trying to really say is that you can get so much confirmation from the outside to know if someone is your twin or not. You can read every blog, you can buy all the products, have all the readings but in the end, you will know. Because this love is just out of this world… And when he and I are apart, that’s when I love him the most, that’s when I can actually feel myself loving him truly and unconditionally. It’s really easy to love someone when they’re around and when they leave, that love tends to fade away. But when they leave and you still feel that love, that’s the real deal… At least that’s how I knew this boy was different from the others. It’s been four years since we met and I still love him like I did since day one, maybe I can say I love him even more.

I’ve created this blog to share my Twin Soul story.

We meet each other online back in April 2014 but didn’t really talk until a few months later that same year. When I saw him for the very first time I felt butterflies in my stomach. I had been single for about 9 months and I was just working in being comfortable with my own skin, learning how to be myself and just love every single part of me. I had stopped hiding who I really was, what I loved, what I disliked, I was being just my wild self and I was happy about it. I was no longer trying to please others and I was obviously not looking for a partner or any kind of relationship… But you really have no control over those things.

I met him through my best friend but we only talked when she was around. I felt very intimidated in his presence, I was very cautious of what I said around him and I was silent most of the time. But when we were interacting in that web page, we talked freely, probably because we just knew someone could jump into our conversations and make it less awkward. For me, he was just some random guy I had met online… Until our talks began to be more focused on music. I was amazed at his knowledge of several groups I loved, even though our music taste was the opposite. Our talks were more and more direct but I still thought he was going to run away as soon as he saw how I truly was… I was completely wrong. He saw me being angry, upset, talking about how I disliked certain things and he just stick around. He even felt drawn to it… He didn’t run away, not even after our first argument.

Then, a few months later, I took it to the next level and talked more in private. We shared text messages, randomly at first, but after a very deep nice talk we had, we texted daily. After that talk, I knew I was completely in love with him… Or I should say, I finally realised I was in love with him. I had been for months. We understood each other. Talking to him was easy, was nice, was deep and was just perfect. I knew he loved me too. We kinda started doing dome progress but a month later, he triggered me for the very first time. At that time I had no idea what he did. I was angry and we stopped talking for a few days, until he texted me apologising, letting me know he couldn’t sleep, that he regretted his words. I was having a hard time forgiving him but in the end I did because I didn’t want to lose contact.

We kept talking, we kept sharing, we kept knowing each other. I found myself more than once just happily smiling at my phone, feeling uplifted, feeling as if I had finally found the missing piece I didn’t know was missing. We were intimate in the sense of sharing our dreams, our fears, our goals. We had the same views in everything, we enjoyed each other’s company. Whenever he was down I felt down and viceversa. We supported each other… But he kept triggering me. Our fights were mostly due to misunderstandings, we never fought because religion, family, goals, politics or anything. It was just silly misunderstandings. And then I found out he was younger than me. That made things worse.

I had no problem with us living apart but our age differences was something to consider. It wasn’t that big but it scared me… Until I made the decision to just don’t let that be an obstacle and just took my leap of faith. I told him I cared about him first… But he told me he loved me first. It was huge because, for the first time in my life, I didn’t want to just say it back to please the other person, I really wanted to say it and mean it. And he understood. Completely. So, when I finally said those words to him, I suddenly felt they belonged to him and no one else. We even got to the point where saying those words didn’t hold the full meaning so we created our own word to express our love fully.

Things were going good… Or they seem like it. After a few months of being together “unofficially”, I lost it. He was nothing but the sweetest most understanding boy I’ve ever met. We was supportive, caring, loving, protective, he was a true man. The man I always desired to have by my side. But the triggering was bad and I started to push him away. Almost every week we had a fight, we even stopped talking for a few weeks or days, yet, we always came back because we still loved each other. We were home to one another. My love for him didn’t die, not even a little and, actually, it seemed to grow after every fight. Weird, huh?

We had dreams about each other, we had plans, we wanted a life together, I was even making plans to move to his country as a surprise. We wanted to get married, travel the world, go to concerts, listen to music all day, play video games, read… We just wanted to be in each other’s lives forever. We enjoyed each other’s company, our talks, we loved and accepted each other fully. I felt loved, respected and cared for for the first time in my life, and he did too. He was the love of my life. He still is.

But then, my fears were more powerful and I pushed him away. I loved that boy with every single cell in my body but I still pushed him away and broke his heart. Things weren’t the same after. I still loved him but I was jealous of every person he talked to, I had doubts, I had this immense fear of losing him and he was too. Things got worse at home for us, issues with our families became unbearable and he then asked for time and space. Yet, he still tried to contact me once in a while, we still tried to talk but then he broke up with me.

When something like that happened, I usually just spent s few days or weeks crying but then I picked up my pieces and move on… Not this time. I tried, though. I did every single thing I have done in previous breakups but nothing seemed to work. I felt like I was drowning and seeing him there and not being able to talk to him was horrible. I then thought that maybe, as time went by, I was going to feel better because time heals all, right? Well… Not this time.

I had a dream a few months later and I knew I had to go see him in person. That should be my last chance and, if there was no chemistry, then I knew I had to move on. Everything went surprisingly smooth. And the day I gathered the strength (thanks to my friend) to let him know I was going to visit them, it was like time between us never happened, it felt like we had just stopped talking for a few days and not months. Then, a few days later, I finally was on my way to close that chapter… Or that’s what I thought.

I met him a few days later. I was anxious, nervous, losing my mind and my heart was racing whenever I saw someone who looked like him. He was late and I was about to leave when he arrived. And time stopped. We hugged for the very first time. It was awkward at first but then it all went smoothly. I cried as I was trying to tell him how I felt. I knew I was screwed because I could feel the connection between us, I could feel the electricity running through our bodies when we held hands… And when I looked into his eyes, I saw myself in them. It was like looking into my own eyes. I had to leave but the universe just thought it wasn’t enough time to spend with him and I came back the next day. That second day was perfect. Probably the most amazing day of my life so far. He kissed me as soon as he saw me, we talked, we had fun. We had a nice walk… That one day was like a taste of how the rest of my life was going to be. I was happy, I was just so incredibly happy… And the hardest thing was saying goodbye. I still remember everything. I remember what we did, what we said… The look in his eyes as I was leaving… And we kept talking. We were happy and my friend knew it… But then I had to go back to my country and I couldn’t take it. I cried during most of the flight and I just felt like I had left a piece of me there. Like half of me was somehow missing.

The next days were horrible, the pain was unbearable, but at least I still got to text him and talk to him… Just for a few days. Because one day, he just decided to break up with me for good. I couldn’t believe what he was saying, I couldn’t believe his words, anything. It didn’t make sense to me after everything we experienced. But he was very much serious about it. So, I decide to make a trip and go to a healing session… The day after that healing he blocked me everywhere. There was not a single place where I could reach out to him. I was anxious, I needed answers. I kept seeing his name everywhere followed by 11s. I was confused, in pain. I didn’t understand, was it all in my head? Was I crazy? Did he lie? No. It couldn’t be. It hurt. I wanted to die. I cried. No one wand to be around me…

One day, I was trying to find some answers and I was guided to look for a term that I was familiar with: Twin Flames. It was back in 2011 when I first heard of that term and I tried to make someone fit into that. I did my research, but the more I read, the more I understood I had found mine. There was no escape. But I wanted one. Especially because I refused to label the boy I loved as my Twin knowing Twins not always come back into each other’s lives. I didn’t want that. I wanted a life with him, I loved him, and I refused to believe that something so amazing could be taken away from me just like that. It didn’t make sense to me. I was going crazy and I tried to find some counselling… Of course they all pointed out he was indeed my Twin. I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted a normal, relationship, one of those in which you break up but then you get back together after a few months and get married. I read on several Ebooks about how to get your ex back but none of those things resonated with me. None. It was all about playing mind games and I didn’t want that, I loved that boy and really wanted to be with him because we loved each other, not because I tricked him into being with me. I was sad, depressed. I felt like my life had no meaning. I tried to date, to hook up with someone, only to end up drunk crying and saying his name. I felt like there was really a no way out. I was stuck. I couldn’t talk to him, but I couldn’t forget about him or move on. And then someone mentioned the Dark Night of the Soul. It fit into everything I was feeling and experiencing. It was the lowest I’ve ever been. Months and months of crying, barely eating. Even harming myself. I’m not proud of it but I just wanted to end the pain somehow.

My birthday came and I had no desire of celebrating… But he asked my best friend to wish me a happy birthday for him. I couldn’t believe it. After months of no contact and saying all those things, he suddenly remembered my birthday. I was in denial. I even got into a big fight with my friend because of it.

A few days later, I found out he was dating someone else. That broke me. It was done. I had lost him. But I still had dreams about him, very vivid dreams. Then I remembered that, the only thing I’ve ever wanted was for him to be happy. That’s why I pushed him away, because I thought that he was going to be happier without me. Maybe that person was going to make him happy and I had to accept that. But I kept having this feeling that he wasn’t truly happy, no matter what he would say online. I couldn’t feel his happiness. So I asked my friend and she told me that he didn’t seem happy at all or at least not as happy as he was when we were together. I was confused.

My friend and I stopped talking for almost six months but his birthday was coming up and I really wanted to wish him a good one. Also, a strange synchronicity happened that made me reach out to my friend earlier. My friend did what I asked and he thanked me through her. I was really confused by then. Then things started to get weirder and weirder as I kept dreaming about him. He was always silent but lovey dovey or he would stare at me. The dreams were more and more common until November, where I had a couple of dreams where I knew things were bad and that was later confirmed by my friend. Later that month he unblocked me but didn’t talk at all. Then my birthday came again and he wished me a happy birthday. It was still confusing. Why he kept doing that but refusing to just talk to me directly?

But a few weeks later I had a dream about another Twin’s Twin. That was crazy. I talked to that person about it. And after that day, those two were kinda rooting for me in my dreams. Then my Twin kept coming to my dreams… And he was talking to me. As I began to focus on myself more and more, I was able to really feel him closer and closer. Until a few months later he finally contacted me for the first time in two years of separation. It was magical. Truly magical. We talked, he apologised, he even acknowledged a lot of things I had been experiencing… And he said he still loved me. The sad thing though, was that it didn’t last. Just two weeks and he left again. Thank God this time the shock wasn’t that big and I was able to recover quite quickly… Until A few months later when I had another dream with the other Twin’s Twin and I had to reach out to my Twin. We then talked again for about a month until we triggered each other so badly that he left again.

Yet, something I’ve noticed is that we are both runners. When I get this feeling of losing him, I want to run as fast and far as I can. And he mirrors that, and he ends up being the one who leaves. Probably he’s the bravest because I know I wouldn’t have the courage to leave so he does it for both of us so we can heal. I know it must be hard on him to make the decision to leave but he’s also wise and he knows what he’s doing, even if I have a hard time trusting him and the process, I know, deep in my heart that he knows what he’s doing.

But knowing and saying that, doesn’t make it more easier to handle. I know I have to heal my fear of loss, I just have no idea how to… And that’s the worst thing ever.